I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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