The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
