I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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