I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
