you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
