Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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