I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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