I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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