I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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