I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
