the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
