I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
