my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
