The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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