Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
