Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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