Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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