I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
