Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
