You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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