Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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