I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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