Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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