Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
