I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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