I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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