I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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