The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize