Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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