You're my little dorito
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize