A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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