Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize