I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
