Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
