At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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