Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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