you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
3pm strippers are depressing
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
