You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize