get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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