I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
