Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
