I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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