I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
