My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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