so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
