The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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