He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
