So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
