White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
