I cut my penus on the lid.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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