I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
