first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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