Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
