took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
