she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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