he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
